Loyalty Became My Slavery

Loyalty: giving or showing firm and constant support or allegiance to a person; being faithful, true-hearted, and devoted in love.

Often in my life, when people have described me, they say how loyal of human I am. For many years, that was a huge compliment. I was proud to be so loyal as true loyalty is rare. However, over time, I believe my loyalty has become a huge weakness. When people say that about me now, I want to cringe.

Over the years, in many circumstances and situations my loyalty has been tested. I have had to make a choice as we all do on numerous occasions. I have had to choose to be loyal or not, and to whom I was loyal. Many times, I have given my heart and many times it has been broken. I have found myself backed in corners because of my loyalty to those around me. Let’s be honest...most of the time I am loyal to others over being loyal to myself.

In truth, loyalty has become my slavery. My loyalty to others had me bound at the hands and feet in the past and I am being freed of that in this time in my life.

When the loyalty is not returned, it feels as though I am being drug through gravel. In my hardest moments, the lack of mutual loyalty felt like the worst betrayal. Which, in reality it is not. Love and loyalty just mean and look differently to different humans. Sometimes, my expectations are different than someone else’s. Mine are not better or worse, they are just different. It is just how I am wired. If I trust you and I let you into my life, chances are...I’m going to be very loyal to you. I will have your back and defend you. It’s not always the best scenario as adults that are not just dealing with the playground bully.

I am not saying that loyalty is bad, and I will never stop being loyal to those I love. In fact, I think the greatest way you can love someone, is to be loyal to them. However I have learned some very hard truths.

Just because someone walks beside you, does not mean they have your back. Just because someone is in your circle, does not mean they have your best interest in mind. Just because someone knows your history, does not mean they want to protect your future. At 29 years old, I am learning what kindergartners are also learning...not everyone is my friend and while you should care about everyone, that it will not always be reciprocated.

That should not stop us from caring and loving others. The greatest call on our lives is to love others and I will never stop doing that. However, I can choose who I am loyal too.

I can surround myself with people that build me up instead of suck the life out of me. I can choose to be in two-sided relationships. I can choose to invest my time in people who genuinely support and love me in return. I can choose to invest in relationships with those that support, advocate, love, and believe in me. I can choose to associate with those that allow me to love them back.

Loyalty is a wonderful thing. It is a powerful thing. I’m proud to be a loyal person. However, there there is nothing about love that requires self-deprivation. After all, I cannot really love others if I don’t love myself.

So, I guess I am not ashamed to be a loyal person. I guess I am saying that I am willing to get hurt for someone and be loyal to them, but as I mature and grow older, I have become more wise in who I am loyal too. I am no longer bound by the chains of loyalty, but I am finding that being loyal to others means taking care of yourself too.

To love is to always risk having your heart broken, and that is a risk we are called to take...but that doesn’t mean that we have to break ourselves down in the process.

Kourt