College was hard for me. It was rarely fun or enjoyable. I attached to people to quickly and nothing ever good comes out of it. I knew I was different.
In the second semester of my first year of college I absolutely knew something was wrong with me. I called home so many times with the intention of asking for help. The words never came out. I tried talking to my friends about it. Instead of getting professional help I decided to go on a missions trip to India. I figured maybe God could help me.
That summer was amazing and really hard all at the same time. I experienced things that others can only dream of. I met people that became family. Honestly though, I was a mess. I tried my best to tell them how I was feeling. I actually was almost sent home at one point. Many other things were happening in my head. The most serious problem was food. I couldn’t eat. I blamed it on the spicy Indian food but that wasn’t it entirely. I simply couldn’t eat. I felt guilt for eating. I was searching for control of myself and my feelings. The group, especially the girls, spent a lot of time with me and at points of the day I felt okay thanks to all of them. I owe them so much.
When I came home I was okay for a little bit. I poured myself into soccer and school. I turned off my feelings for that semester (fall 2008). That January was rough. Everything hit me at once one night. Again, I tried to ask for help but could not put it into words. That is when I started cutting. It was not the first time, but that is when it started consistently. I was such a mess for so long. People confronted me about what I was doing. I got defensive and hurt. I felt attacked. Those people had good intentions, but were very hurtful in the process. They went to a school official and asked for help. That was the first time I was confronted with the truth. That was also the first time I heard the words “borderline personality disorder.” I was angry at the “accusation” and hurt that they did not talk to me after that. I do apologize to them. You know who you are.
I stayed in Blair that summer (2009). I was anorexic/bulimic, isolated, and hurt. I didn’t know what to do. Again, I picked up the phone so many times to ask for help, but it never came out. I had no friends and no one around. I was at another extremely low point. There were many days I honestly did not want to live anymore.
That next school year was also really hard. I wasn’t anorexic/bulimic all the time…it came and went My season ended early due to a concussion. It was just another turn on my roller coaster ride. I went to see a school official. I was told to grow up and ignore the problem or I would be kicked out of school. So I didn’t say anything else. It was at that point that I couldn’t stand the thought of being in school another 1.5 years. I worked my butt off so I could finish a year early. I had no plans as of that point, but I could not handle another year of school.
That fall (2010), I moved back to Blair and got a job at the YMCA. Again, I poured myself into work to forget the pain I was in. I was actually really good for several months…even a year. Fall of 2011 the roller coaster went back down again. I was hurting and confused and I didn’t know how to vocalize that to ask for help. That was the first time I sought professional help. I was given anti-depressants and told to do things that make me happy. They didn’t really help me at all. Summer of 2012 came and I was really busy with work and my graduate program.
Many things happened that summer and fall. It was getting harder and harder to hide how I was feeling. A trusted friend suggested that I seek professional help, but from a psychiatrist this time. I was so nervous to go. While talking to the doctor I noticed myself get defensive again. I was honest but didn’t say everything.
The doctor gave me anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. I also started counseling. I was not self-injuring myself at that point. In the spring of 2013, the doctor presented me with the idea that I could have adult adhd. It was an odd diagnosis that I didn’t really agree with, but I trusted the doctor. The medication for that made me feel really CRAZY at times. On the outside I was fantastic. On the inside I was a mess once again.
During the fall of 2013, I was still seeing the same doctor. I felt that they weren’t listening to me or trying to understand how I felt. I started to see a new doctor that fall. I was able to be honest and try to explain how I was feeling 90% of the time. For the first time I felt that someone understood even a little bit of how I felt. I was given medication and went through a whole counseling program. I was officially diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. It was devastating and relieving at the same time. The doctor and neurologist think this is at least partially caused by the multiple concussions I have received. I now have lesions on my brain, because of my injuries.
So, now I am in Louisiana. I have found a doctor and will continue my treatment. I am in no ways healed, but I have started the healing process. I have bad days, and always will, but I am in the process of healing. The first step in this whole process is being honest with people that I love.
I never told many people because I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want to be labeled as crazy. I worked so hard to be “normal” and not flawed on the outside. I want to be loved for who I really am...not who the world says I should be. I’m tired of hiding. I’m ready to face the world.
Now for the disclaimer: Along my journey I have been hurt by so many people. But, I have hurt even more along the way. I burnt bridges and bruised relationships even to the point of no repair. I pushed people away who were just trying to help. If you fall under any of these categories please know that I am truly and deeply sorry. I am not asking to mend those friendships or build those bridges again. I am simply asking for forgiveness. Hurt people, hurt people. As I said before, I am not healed. This is just the beginning of my new self on the outside.
Writing this is incredibly terrifying and completely freeing at the same time. I finally don’t have to hide anymore. I can be myself and that is an amazing feeling. At the same time it is scary. Most people who already know have separated themselves from me…I understand that. I would be lying though if I said it didn’t hurt. I have been called everything from crazy to a lesbian. Of which I am neither.
I’m not doing this for attention or anything like that. It is just simply time.
Thank you sincerely for reading this not so brief excerpt of my life over the past several years. It probably wasn’t easy to read…or it may not be a surprise at all. I do thank you though.
Please don’t treat me any differently. As I said last time, I AM NOT CRAZY.
I hope by telling my story I can encourage those who are still finding the courage to be honest and "come out." YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Thanks very much
Kourt
In the second semester of my first year of college I absolutely knew something was wrong with me. I called home so many times with the intention of asking for help. The words never came out. I tried talking to my friends about it. Instead of getting professional help I decided to go on a missions trip to India. I figured maybe God could help me.
That summer was amazing and really hard all at the same time. I experienced things that others can only dream of. I met people that became family. Honestly though, I was a mess. I tried my best to tell them how I was feeling. I actually was almost sent home at one point. Many other things were happening in my head. The most serious problem was food. I couldn’t eat. I blamed it on the spicy Indian food but that wasn’t it entirely. I simply couldn’t eat. I felt guilt for eating. I was searching for control of myself and my feelings. The group, especially the girls, spent a lot of time with me and at points of the day I felt okay thanks to all of them. I owe them so much.
When I came home I was okay for a little bit. I poured myself into soccer and school. I turned off my feelings for that semester (fall 2008). That January was rough. Everything hit me at once one night. Again, I tried to ask for help but could not put it into words. That is when I started cutting. It was not the first time, but that is when it started consistently. I was such a mess for so long. People confronted me about what I was doing. I got defensive and hurt. I felt attacked. Those people had good intentions, but were very hurtful in the process. They went to a school official and asked for help. That was the first time I was confronted with the truth. That was also the first time I heard the words “borderline personality disorder.” I was angry at the “accusation” and hurt that they did not talk to me after that. I do apologize to them. You know who you are.
I stayed in Blair that summer (2009). I was anorexic/bulimic, isolated, and hurt. I didn’t know what to do. Again, I picked up the phone so many times to ask for help, but it never came out. I had no friends and no one around. I was at another extremely low point. There were many days I honestly did not want to live anymore.
That next school year was also really hard. I wasn’t anorexic/bulimic all the time…it came and went My season ended early due to a concussion. It was just another turn on my roller coaster ride. I went to see a school official. I was told to grow up and ignore the problem or I would be kicked out of school. So I didn’t say anything else. It was at that point that I couldn’t stand the thought of being in school another 1.5 years. I worked my butt off so I could finish a year early. I had no plans as of that point, but I could not handle another year of school.
That fall (2010), I moved back to Blair and got a job at the YMCA. Again, I poured myself into work to forget the pain I was in. I was actually really good for several months…even a year. Fall of 2011 the roller coaster went back down again. I was hurting and confused and I didn’t know how to vocalize that to ask for help. That was the first time I sought professional help. I was given anti-depressants and told to do things that make me happy. They didn’t really help me at all. Summer of 2012 came and I was really busy with work and my graduate program.
Many things happened that summer and fall. It was getting harder and harder to hide how I was feeling. A trusted friend suggested that I seek professional help, but from a psychiatrist this time. I was so nervous to go. While talking to the doctor I noticed myself get defensive again. I was honest but didn’t say everything.
The doctor gave me anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. I also started counseling. I was not self-injuring myself at that point. In the spring of 2013, the doctor presented me with the idea that I could have adult adhd. It was an odd diagnosis that I didn’t really agree with, but I trusted the doctor. The medication for that made me feel really CRAZY at times. On the outside I was fantastic. On the inside I was a mess once again.
During the fall of 2013, I was still seeing the same doctor. I felt that they weren’t listening to me or trying to understand how I felt. I started to see a new doctor that fall. I was able to be honest and try to explain how I was feeling 90% of the time. For the first time I felt that someone understood even a little bit of how I felt. I was given medication and went through a whole counseling program. I was officially diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. It was devastating and relieving at the same time. The doctor and neurologist think this is at least partially caused by the multiple concussions I have received. I now have lesions on my brain, because of my injuries.
So, now I am in Louisiana. I have found a doctor and will continue my treatment. I am in no ways healed, but I have started the healing process. I have bad days, and always will, but I am in the process of healing. The first step in this whole process is being honest with people that I love.
I never told many people because I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want to be labeled as crazy. I worked so hard to be “normal” and not flawed on the outside. I want to be loved for who I really am...not who the world says I should be. I’m tired of hiding. I’m ready to face the world.
Now for the disclaimer: Along my journey I have been hurt by so many people. But, I have hurt even more along the way. I burnt bridges and bruised relationships even to the point of no repair. I pushed people away who were just trying to help. If you fall under any of these categories please know that I am truly and deeply sorry. I am not asking to mend those friendships or build those bridges again. I am simply asking for forgiveness. Hurt people, hurt people. As I said before, I am not healed. This is just the beginning of my new self on the outside.
Writing this is incredibly terrifying and completely freeing at the same time. I finally don’t have to hide anymore. I can be myself and that is an amazing feeling. At the same time it is scary. Most people who already know have separated themselves from me…I understand that. I would be lying though if I said it didn’t hurt. I have been called everything from crazy to a lesbian. Of which I am neither.
I’m not doing this for attention or anything like that. It is just simply time.
Thank you sincerely for reading this not so brief excerpt of my life over the past several years. It probably wasn’t easy to read…or it may not be a surprise at all. I do thank you though.
Please don’t treat me any differently. As I said last time, I AM NOT CRAZY.
I hope by telling my story I can encourage those who are still finding the courage to be honest and "come out." YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Thanks very much
Kourt
Proud of you cuz love you
ReplyDeleteLove you and very proud of you. If i could be so strong
ReplyDeleteYou're so brave, Kourt. I'm happy that you've found the courage to do this. You're a great friend and I wish we could see each other more often. Don't you ever forget that you're loved by your family, your friends and by GOD.
ReplyDeleteHey Love,
ReplyDeleteI tried to post a comment on your last post, didn't work somehow.
Well, just know that I am sorry I took so long until you found your way to life the way you need it. But I am also very happy that you found a way!
Know, that I don't think of you any different!
I will always see you as a genuine, friendly and loving person!
Keep up that healthy way of living that you just started!
I think of you! ♥
Janka
Thank you so much for sharing and being open and vulnerable. You'll be amazed at the encouragement and good responses from being open and sharing. I'm sure it took a lot of guts!! Praying for you :)
ReplyDelete