Joyously Heartbroken

Little man’s journey took a huge change of direction yesterday at his most recent court hearing. While the path is still not straight it is now clearly marked. There is a light at the end of the path even if we can’t see it we at least know it is coming.

The hearing got emotionally charged. Ryan and I did our best to remain emotionless. It was extremely difficult at times. At one particularly rough moment, there was extreme emotion all over the room separated by only a few feet at most. For us, there was extreme joy and relief. For the other side of the room it was not as positive.

At that moment, I inadvertently made eye contact with Little Man’s birth mother.  While I was completely overwhelmed with pure joy, immediately I saw the pain in her eyes. I am not a biological mother and may never be. So, I can’t quite grasp that pain in her eyes. I have not had a child so therefore, I cannot fully understand her pain. However, I do think at some small level I can empathize as we both love the same little boy. Little man is not (yet) my son, but I love him more than I ever thought possible. Just the thought of losing him makes me anxious and I don’t like it one bit...even though that is still in the realm of possibility.

When I saw the pain in her eyes even for that split second, I was heartbroken for her. Again, it brought be back to the reality that my incredible and joyous gain is another's painful and devastating loss. I must keep that into perspective. All I could do is try and put myself in her place. I don't have ill feelings to her as we may be connected forever.

Little man has been with me since he was eight days old. He may not have the same trauma’s as some of the other children I have loved. However, even though he may not have that trauma, he will still have a significant loss. A loss that we will be prepared to work and love through.
I will always be honest with little man about his first family. I will gladly share all the details and I don’t ever want to taint the truth or put my own spin on things. He deserves to know who and where he comes from. I will always tell him that his first family loved him. One day, I will tell him about the pain I saw in her eyes. I will tell him about both the joy and the sorrow that was in the room. I will never tell him we loved him more because that is not the issue. I will be honest with him.

I am overjoyed with the result and (again) while nothing is still certain, I can breathe easy at least for a few days before the next countdown begins. Little man is oh so worth this. He is worth the wait. He is worth the anxiety. He is worth the fears. He is worth the sleepless nights. He is worth the tears that come even when I don’t want them too. He is worth the hard moments. He is worth the pain. He is worth it all.

Kourt