(disclaimer:
I am not talking about my biological family in this post. My parents and sisters
are amazing people. You know this if you have met them. My sisters are my
forever best friends. This is about the rest)
I have
been incredibly blessed with a small network of people who love me
unconditionally and support me. It took me so long to realize this. For so long
I isolated myself and felt so incredibly alone. I figured that being lonely
would be less painful than the pain that I would feel when that person
ultimately decided they didn’t like me anymore…which seemed inevitable for many
years.
During
college and the years after I felt so unlovable and alone most of the time. I
was so dumb though, because I would get close to someone or a group and then
ultimately I would panic and push them away. I would end up hurting them and
they would give up (understandably) and the cycle would repeat over and over.
It is not that I didn’t want to be loved or that I wanted to be alone. That is
not it at all.
You can’t
truly love another person unless you love yourself first.
I was a
very difficult friend. Those few who stuck with me through everything are
extremely special people. I hurt them and pushed them away, but they refused to
care and loved me back anyway.
I have
experienced true and genuine friendship. It is an incredible and overwhelming
feeling. I’m not talking about the people who are “fair weather friends” or the
friends who only show up when they need something.
True
friendship is love. It is full of compassion, understanding, and forgiveness.
True friends are the ones who you can call at 1:55am on a Tuesday morning, and
they answer aren’t mad you called. True friends are the ones who stick with you
on the mountain top and through the valley. They laugh with you, cry with you, and
make memories with you. True friends are the ones that tell you when you are
stupid, and hug you when you finally realize it. True friends are the ones who
know just what to say or they know when to say nothing at all. You don’t have
to talk everyday or every week, but you know that they are there.
I truly
think friendship was created, because I don’t think God intended us to do life
alone. Not only would it be boring but it would be so scary and hard. I have only
experienced the tip of the ice berg of this. It’s not pretty.
If you are struggling with the pain of loneliness and depression, you are not alone. It may seem like no one cares and no one loves you. I have been there. Let me plead that you are loved. You are worth everything.
Learn
from my mistakes and failures. Take your walls down and let people in. True
friends won’t care that you carry baggage. They will help you carry it and go
through the contents when you are ready. They love you anyway.
Lastly,
for those of you who have it all together. Tell those around you that you love
them. I never used to understand that feeling of loss and never being able to
talk to someone ever again. I do now. Tell people you love them. On top of
that, don’t just tell them show them that
you love them.
The
people who know everything about you and love you anyway and are not
biologically obligated to do so…thank God for those people.
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