When people find out we are foster parents they always have things to say and questions to ask. With biracial children, it’s not hard to figure out they are not biologically ours, so we end up having conversations with family, friends, walmart cashiers, and other strangers frequently. I enjoy talking about our foster care journey. I enjoy sharing what started us on this journey and how we ended up where we are today. I like to hear others stories as well. My favorite thing is to tell people the good things. Some of the time, I have to be tight lipped about our experiences for legal reasons. Sometimes, it’s easier to just share the highs. However, there are things I don’t share. There are things I would rather people not know about our journey and life. In the spirit of authenticity, here are just a few of the things that I do not share about foster care and adoption.
I do not share that training does not compare to real life.
As foster parents, we attended 30 hours of training over the course of 10 weeks. We had homework and piles and piles of paperwork to complete. We had to complete home visits, several interviews, background checks, reference checks, and even more paperwork to even be considered for licensing. Every year we want to be licensed, we have ongoing trainings and classes. We read books and have received advice. However, none of that prepares you for real life situations with real kids in your home.
The training didn’t tell me how to handle the kinds of trauma I see. Training did not prepare me to approach a birth parent for the first time. Training did not prepare me on what to do the first night a child is in your home when they scream for hours out of fear. It didn’t prepare me for children to have adult sized problems in tiny little bodies. It did not prepare me to handle a child who can’t tie their shoes but knows how to light a lighter. It did not prepare me to handle children who are separated from siblings. It also did not prepare me to have my heart broken many times over.
I do not share that your life will never ever be the same.
I knew this would happen. I was warned about it, but there was no way I could have understood unless I lived the life I live now. I don’t share that I don’t really sleep at night. Between newborn feedings, diaper changes, night terrors, fear of quiet, fear of the dark, and anxiety, I sleep significantly less than I did before. Last year at this time, it was not on my radar that I would spend the little free time I have googling behavior management techniques, new sensory tools and activities, and different attachment strategies. However, I find myself doing just that.
Children having tantrums is pretty normal even for the “average” family. But, frequently with foster kids they don’t have simple tantrums. Children I have had in my home experience sensory meltdowns. Tantrums and sensory meltdowns are entirely different beasts. Sensory meltdowns can dictate which stores you go to and what time of day you go to them. They can dictate going to church or not or what your family does for fun.
The lifestyle change is not always negative though. Foster care has forced me to examine my own life. It has challenged me to be a better human. It has challenged me to become more patient and calm. It has allowed me to think outside the box and be creative. It has helped me take joy in the small little things that used to be insignificant. It has allowed me to experience unconditional love outside of a marriage.
I do not share that trauma is real, significant, hard...and that it sucks.
In a perfect world, kids can be kids. They don’t have to experience abuse of any kind. They don’t have to grow up too fast or know about adult things. In a perfect world, trauma just wouldn’t exist. We don’t live in a perfect world though, so unfortunately, trauma is real and very hard.
Since becoming a foster parent, I feel like I have only scratched the surface of trauma and the effect it has on children. It affects even my twins very very differently. Last year at this time, I had no idea that weighted blankets, “monster medicine”, fidgets, noise cancelling headphones, sensory play, gross motor activities, and intentionally getting dirty would ever be a normal part of my life. I didn’t think that not being able to hug or kiss my kids without them flinching would be reality, but it is.
I do not share that people do not always understand.
I do not like to share this part at all, but it is our reality. We have lost friendships over our decision to be foster parents. We have had to distance ourselves from people we were once close with to protect our kids. I purposely don’t go certain places or around certain people groups, because I don’t need to hear their opinions for the thousandth time. Every single relationship you have in my life has been impacted in some way by my decision to foster and adopt. People have said extremely hurtful things about me and my children or their experiences. We have had to get to a point where we surround ourselves with positive influences and keep a tight lip around those who are not as positive.
I do not share that foster care in general is confusing and can be an emotional roller coaster.
I don’t share that having your kids visit with bio parents can be hard. I don’t always share that I have had a child scream for two hours straight after a visit and it will absolutely break your heart. I don’t share that bio parents are not always friendly with foster parents and it can sometimes be hard to not take it personally.
I don’t share that processes in the system take FOREVER and you just have to ride the waves. Things take time. There will be months between court dates or family meetings. There can be weeks between visits with your DHS worker. It may be weeks or months before you get any new information. All of which can make waiting simply agonizing.
I don’t ever say that going to court is the weirdest thing ever. There is specific court jargon that they don’t teach you in sports management school .There are courtroom procedures that are not always clearly expressed so you can sometimes be lost. There are a ton of different people in the room and you most likely won’t know who everyone is, but they will ALL know who YOU are. What is said in family meetings can sometimes change by the time you get to court, and child’s best interest may look different depending on who is speaking. You quickly learn there are in fact gray areas to rules and policies and people don’t always want you at court. Also, it’s worth mentioning that courtrooms are ALWAYS cold.
I never ever share that manipulation by both the children in your care, adults responsible for them, and professionals is just a normal part of life.
I do not share that being an introvert does not work and you have to be willing to be uncomfortable.
There will be many many people in your home and in your child’s life. Your home will never really be your “safe place” again, because so many people come in and out of it. Every child has many professionals in your life and depending on the number of children in your care the number can really add up.
There will be licensing workers, support workers, case consultants, court appointed special advocates, guardian-ad-litem’s, dhs workers, supervisors, therapists, and then eventually adoption workers and lawyers in your home and life. That does not include doctors, psychiatrists, or the judge himself who you will have in your life but they don’t go to your home (I guess that might be pretty interesting if the judge showed up though….) Also, these workers can change at anytime without notice!
What I do not share ENOUGH about foster care.
While those are all the things I hardly or never share, there are things I don’t share enough.
I need to tell more people how foster care has changed my life and made me a better person. I need to tell people that I have had my eyes opened to hurting people not just on the other side of the world, but down the street. I probably should share that foster care has deepened my relationships of those who have stuck around because I value time and special moments so much more now. I should be sharing that foster care has challenged how I advocate for those with special needs or conditions. I should share how my capacity for love has grown. I should share that my fear of new situations has improved. I should say that while foster care can be challenging to any marriage, that because we have to be so intentional with our time, it can also build a marriage. I could say that I have learned to better advocate for myself, my marriage, my kids, and my family as a whole. I absolutely should make it very clear that the good parts of foster care far outweigh the bad a million times over.
Foster care has changed my life. Mostly for the good. I will never regret the decision we made to foster and soon to adopt. It has made my heart grow seven times over. For that, I will always be grateful.
Kourt
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