Broken

I don’t yell much, but I can think of times in my life where I have or had wanted to. I would yell, because I was hurting and mad. I’d yell, because people don’t always pay attention when you don’t say anything. I’d yell because I’m just so tired of getting hurt.

This has been a really nasty cycle in my life. I’ve been open and vulnerable and trusted others. I’ve let people within my walls of safety, and most times, I have gotten deeply and profoundly hurt. I feel like my heart has been trampled over and over. When people you trust hurt you it is way more painful. But, the truth is, we are all hurting people, and hurt people hurt people. (myself included)

Several years ago, I trusted someone with my mess. I showed them the dark secrets in my closet. They have seen every flaw, every scar, and every mistake. Things got messy, and we both got hurt. No one was solely to blame really. However, because they had seen every part of me, I was absolutely positive that was why our friendship wouldn’t continue.

But, I’m not writing about who hurt me, or what they did, or why. I’m just writing to express how suffocating and unbelievably painful it is to get burned. I’m writing to explain how it feels to get your legs knocked out from under you and maybe how we can find our footing again.

People my age don’t always feel like it is acceptable to hurt or express how it really is. But, as everyone knows, pain hurts, and it is real. I have a ton of learning to do, but here are a few things I’ve figured out along the way.

Grief is okay

Feelings are terrible. They cause problems. Yet, they are beautiful. Often times, we are told to just forget it and move on. I get the reasoning behind that, but you don’t really just forget pain. You can’t escape it. All you can really do is put it aside. That works temporarily, but eventually it will come back, and usually more painful than before. Until you finally feel the full amount of pain (without letting it consume you) you can’t really move past it. Fact.

Fact vs. Fiction

You can’t avoid getting hurt. It is just a very crappy part of life. When trust fails, relationships fail. When that happens, I am quick to blame myself. I know I’m not alone in this.

It’s my fault.  If only I did THIS different or said THIS instead.   I DESERVE to be hurt.

Hold onto truth especially during painful and emotional times. Hold onto who you are, what you have become, and what you have overcome.

Letting go is painful, but sometimes necessary

People come into our lives for different reasons. Some will stay, some are meant to just pass through. That is the painful truth.  Letting go is so painful. It is so easy to think you can fix it, or just remember what was and not what is.  There comes a point in some relationships that nothing good will come from it anymore. So, as painful as it is, you must let go.

In the end

So, when we get hurt or even when we do the hurting…how do we trust again? If trust and authentic love can cause so much pain, how can it be worth it? I don’t really have a great answer.

What I can say is, the more hurt and broken I have felt, the more I was able to heal. The more I was healing, the more the pieces go back together and I become (more) whole. I truly believe that in the depths of the hurt, the pain, comes true joy and peace.

I may not be who I will become, but I am not who I was.

That is enough for me.

Peace is not the absence of hurt, fear, anxiety, or brokenness. It is the ability to be calm in your heart in the midst of all those things.