Confessions of a Christian (who still struggles...)

I was at Church for a large portion of my childhood and teen years. When I was itty-bitty, I went to every vacation bible school offered and have good memories of having wheel chair races in the halls while my dad finished quartet practice.

The older I got, I was really involved in our Church’s puppet team, drama team, and attended every mission trip, camp and retreat. I was always there for bible studies, and service projects, etc. I had great friends and a really solid foundation. My life was so beautiful.

I said “the prayer” when I was 6 and was baptized with my sister shortly after that. I have memories of being scared the rapture would happen, because I had friends that wouldn’t go to heaven.

(There was also this one time in Pennsylvania that we actually thought the rapture HAD happened...seriously funny story for another time J )

Nothing dramatic changed in my life throughout all of that. I knew all the right words to say when I prayed and I could answer most questions in Sunday school. Man I was super holy…haha

College was just a weird time. I struggled. I wanted to “fit it”, but that didn’t always go along with my church girl persona. My life was quickly spiraling downward, but I didn’t notice at first and then I didn’t care.

If the mask I was wearing was tightly in place at the end of the day, I was still okay. I could suffocate my feelings and convictions and wake up the next day and go on with life.

 I signed up to go on a mission trip so my life would become how magically fixed. I also really didn’t want to get a summer job.

India was crazy.  I played soccer with orphans and drank chai with lepers. I met people who loved me through my muck and brokenness. It was beautiful.

I remember sitting on our roof in India and was very overwhelmed with everything. I remember feeling God was so present with me, even right there on a roof top in India. Shortly one bye one my closest friends joined me on that rooftop and I just remember feeling so broken yet loved at the same time. God saw my yuck and my darkest parts and loved me anyway. So crazy and incredible.

Then I came home.

I had a few other “roof top” experiences since then, but that one I will never forget. Even after I was honest with my world, I would still point to the roof top in Dwarka Sector 8, behind the mother dairy, in New Dehli India, as the beginning.

In modern day Christian circles, I think there is some unwritten rule or expectation that once you have a mountaintop experience (or in my case a roof top) with Jesus and truly surrender to him that you aren’t allowed to ever screw up or make mistakes again.

I would love to say that since that roof top, life has been easy and I’ve made the best decisions and live a flawless life. We all know that isn’t true though.

So, confession…I still struggle.

I have had many rock bottom moments since then.

I had many times I cried so hard trying to pray to a God I wasn’t sure existed.

I have had moments where I have made bad decisions and have fallen straight on my face.

I have had many moments where I had no strength and I felt empty and hated myself and everything around me.

I have had moments where I doubted I had a purpose.

I have had moments where I literally wanted to hide from the world.

Call me crazy, but I don’t think I’m alone.

I do believe that there are people that have experiences and their lives are completely changed 100%.

I do also believe that through my experience that once we finally surrender, I wholeheartedly believe the enemy jumps on us with the intent of suffocating the peace out of us and questioning everything we believe and who we are as God’s beloved.  

I don’t have it all together. I am a Christ follower, but I still struggle. I still have to choose joy daily. I still have to choose love and peace.

His grace is constant, overwhelming, and suffocating.  Let’s be really honest. Following Christ is hard and messy.

But, he knows it is and designed it that way. He walked on Earth and was tempted too, so he gets it.

I truly find peace in the reality that he doesn’t walk away when we fall. He is always there to pick you up and remind us who we are in him.

That love and grace though…

That is what gives me the strength to fight my flesh, my struggle, and choose to live for Him. Not because of fear of failure or obligation, but because regardless he loves you 100%.

I don’t understand it, but I don’t really have to. But, I choose to be in. I choose to be all in.

It is not easy to admit that I’m human and still struggle. Especially because I feel that I need to be perfect. It is hard to admit that life is still hard WITH Christ, but I choose to be in.

Here’s to real struggle and letting God show his grace and love through our stories.

Here’s to destroying the enemies lies that we are failures and aren’t worth it.

Here’s to choosing joy.